Friday, September 25, 2009

What would your life be like?

I have been thinking that I wish my life could be somewhat different than it is right now. I feel like I'm in a transitional period, and that at some point I will be able to do something better in life, be more productive...

Do you ever feel that way? I want my life to be more meaningful. I want to be there more for my daughters and help more people than my boss. I want to be able to inspire, to give back to the community, to make this world a better place by doing little things or big things...

But I feel like if I'm just waiting...and waiting... I don't see progress and it freaks me out. I would be OK if I felt my life was going on a direction, like when you want to go from NYC to California, on a Road Trip. You get a map, you plan the route, you get your supplies, and you start. Sure there must be stops on the road, to eat, enjoy the scenery, sleep and bathroom might even get lost or make a wrong turn at some point, but with your map you will be able to re-route yourself, and the ending is always the same. It is necessary for one to visualize their destination. It is necessary to know where you are going.

I feel like I'm going on a road trip, I have no map, and I have no destination. Somebody just told me to take my car and drive it doesn't matter where, just drive. Sure, I see some nice things along the way, and there are a few stops I would like to make, but I have no map, I have never traveled before so I have no knowledge of the geography of the place I'm traveling through. And it is not a small area either. I feel like I've been driving for 1/3 of my life and I have yet to find a map...It's so frustrating...

I wish I could do different things, I wish I didn't feel like I had to stay on a job just because I needed the money, I wish I didn't have to feel like I'm trapped, at the mercy of others, with no control over what I do or where I go. But life makes us be scared, because if I made a conscious choice to quit my job and go find a screen printing place where I could learn how to screen print, and then after a while I could go and be a tattooist apprentice and once I learned how to tattoo I could maybe learn how to make ice cream, or maybe I could bake cookies for a while, later I could work as a editor of a book publishing company, maybe I could make some children's books, or I should learn how to be a better writer or a better artist, a better dancer, a better cook. Maybe I could volunteer, learn how to swim, be a school counselor, or the assistant to a therapist, or some other thing I haven't thought of yet. I want to be able to be free to be allowed to change and at the same time have some sort of stability for my daughters.

Does this make sense??

I need a map!!!! Do you know where I can buy one????

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