I have not written in a while... because I said that I was going to give this Blog a purpose other than healing myself from my fear of writing and expressing my feelings. Well, I do have a purpose of this blog, however I realized that I am still afraid of writing because in the past few days I had to deal with the loss of my step dad and I've been sad and angry and many feelings came out that I was so terribly afraid to put in writing. I tend to swallow my feelings and make them get dissolved into my body and then I tend to loose contact with them. Is like they disappear. The story with my step dad is very long and I'm not sure I want to re-tell it all here, but at the time of his death I started to feel bad that I never got to send him the father's day card that I bought him. That I wasn't there at his funeral, that I didn't send him the latest pictures of my kids or a letter or anything in the mail. But I was glad to know that back in April I was able to spend 2 days with him and the kids and hang out for several hours. I was glad that he got a chance to come from PR into NY and spend a few days with me and my family and that he was able to attend the graduation of the College where he worked in for over 25 years and that he was able to see all his friends and live the happiness of that. I was glad that I was able to wish him a Happy Father's Day even if it was just over the phone and I was glad to hear his happy voice telling me how happy he was that he got to see us in June and that the pictures I gave him where beautiful and that he loved spending time with us.
I am sad that his family and mine are in such a feud that I feel that getting close now will cause more problems than not. And I feel angry to know that his will was not accepted by his family and that he was not cremated as he desired, and that his organs where not donated, and all that.
There's a part of me that wants to get his will and follow it through and fight for what he wanted, but I also have to think that I live very far away, that I have 2 wonderful daughters that need me, that I have to keep my job in order to provide them the best that I can and with this economy I can't afford to risk loosing my job by flying to PR and fighting this off, and causing a feud with his family. I don't know.
I wish I still had my dad with me. But I know that he was a church going man and I'm sure he is in heaven now having a better life. Papa! I love you soooo much! We miss you! You'll always live in out hearts and your legacy will live on!
PS: I called his lawyer and told him that he was not going to be cremated as he requested on his will and then he went and got his family to cremate him. At least some of his wishes got respected.